I remember the day like it was yesterday. October 12, 2019, Eric and I are getting a U-Haul to load our entire lives inside. "Whelp, that's the rest of it", is all I kept thinking to myself as I watched him locked the door one last time. That harsh gut feeling of reality hit harder as I began crying wondering what life was going to be like for us next. Would we be homeless? Again? So many questions sparked in my head and for the third time, we were moving somewhere new.
Finally, we arrived. Walking into a dark home, I felt even darker and so out of place. You know those feelings when you know you don't belong, but you stay anyway to see if you really do belong, but turns out you wasted your time staying because you ended up being correct to begin with? Yeah, that was me. Out of place and alone. Only I wasn't physically alone because well, I had Eric. He always reminded me that things would be normal and he'd always be there to help me adjust since he had to do the same. As hard as it was for me to accept my temporary fate, it was even harder to know what life would be like living in a home with my in laws.
If looks could kill, I'd be dead. If time stopped, I'm sure I'd be frozen. If I never spoke my mind, I'd forever be bullied into remaining quiet. Enough is enough and quite frankly, I am not afraid. As mentioned in other blog posts, things are NEVER what they appear to be on the outside. Nothing is ever truly perfect, but being human we hope to see the good in everyone. I admit I wanted Eric's family to accept me and love me the same way I did for them. Why? Because my heart is pure and they definitely know how to pretend like they are the greatest family. At times I was introduced as "daughter" and greeted by "Ming Ming" but deep down I knew it was only a matter of time before things turned south.
I won't go into every incident, but let's just say I was never really welcomed with open arms and I never got it. Who wants another woman in her kitchen or how it was put "It's different when you see someone everyday vs when you only see them once in a while". Either way, it's total nonsense especially when "we're family helping each other" and resulted in my depression. I locked myself in the room we were given temporarily because I didn't feel safe. I couldn't express this to Eric because he automatically cared about us not having anywhere else to go. And although we didn't, I needed to be heard, but instead I was told not to complain.
Wow the things I can speak on from my experience with Eric's family has made me stronger than ever. Let's see, I've fought one of his younger sisters and was told not to expect to receive the same love his parents give to their kids. Never expected anything from them considering I've never asked them for anything. Eric's mother made false statements about me as I was then referred to as "a disrespectful bitch" and my all time favorite paying rent to sleep in an open loft where all of my belongings were in fact touched, misplaced, stolen, damaged and even worn without any remorse. But God.
Oh, I'm sure you all remember my family secrets post from my first website. You know the one where I was speaking in subliminal messages about Eric's family? Do you remember that? No? Yeah I don't remember it either, but boy was I chastised and talked about heavily. I was called out my name several times and the funny thing is that my name was in so many rooms not knowing who was coming back to tell me. Eric was even upset with me and instantly I was reminded, I was the outcast looking for a way out. With so many other stories to share and different feelings I felt, I will be sharing more of my experience and sis, I refuse to be silent.
Welcome home Journee Bees... it feels so good to be back.