It’s All in His Timing, but What They Don’t Tell You Is
Pease understand me when I say I understand how I may sound unsure or slightly doubtful on my motherhood journee. Please understand me as I express my frustration as that’s all it truly is, pure frustration because I’m not pregnant. Please understand me as I become a bit emotional in my decision to be vulnerable during my current situation. You see as much as I’d like to believe you’d understand me, I know you truly don’t. You don’t understand because my reality isn’t your reality and that’s ok.
Truly, but you see when you begin expressing yourself and your mood is slightly negative, no one can handle it. No one can allow you to vent your frustration because it’s too much for them So, they begin saying things like “Don’t stress yourself” or “It’s going to happen when it’s supposed to”. Meanwhile they’re pregnant or have kids of their own. Now before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I truly appreciate everyone who has helped me off my ledge. It’s just sometimes they don’t tell me certain things that I need to hear.
A few months ago I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome also known as PCOS. PCOS is a hormonal disorder causing enlarged ovaries with small cysts on the outer edges. The cause of polycystic ovary syndrome isn't well understood, but may involve a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Your doctor may diagnose PCOS if you have at least two of these symptoms: Irregular periods (which is my main symptom),higher levels of androgen (male hormones) shown in blood tests or through symptoms like acne, male-pattern balding, or extra hair growth on your face, chin, or body, or even cysts in your ovaries as shown in an ultrasound exam.
I was pretty devastated because this definitely means I have a harder time conceiving. Hence why I’m not pregnant after years of trying. I’ve been to doctors and a specialist who haven’t really helped me. Help meaning, answered my questions. Why are my menstrual cycles long? Irregular? Why am I not ovulating clearly?
How can I maintain or balance my irregular hormones without depending on birth control? So many questions and still no answers.
I was depressed for so long and began questioning my womanhood. Does this make me less than a woman because I can’t give my husband a child? Don’t get me wrong, I spent weeks crying and feeling like nothing because I didn’t want to think about how I would be able to explain why I’m married with no kids. And honestly I’m still trying to get myself together. It’s like everyone has all the answers, but they’re not going through what I’m going through. How is that fair that I have to try and they don’t? Why is God punishing me and granting them? Especially when they aren’t even happy about having a child.
What they don’t tell you is that wanting to be pregnant and not being pregnant is painful. They don’t tell you about how that little ounce of hope gets demolished when you see only one line on that pregnancy test. Or the fact that you have to condition yourself into believing that no matter what happens you‘ll keep trying. They don’t tell you that you’ll have to spend hundreds even thousands of dollars on fertility bills just for the doctor to say this round didn’t work, let’s try a new approach. They don’t tell you about how much of a struggle it is to know your partner is completely fine and you’re the abnormal one.
Granted it sounds a tad bit negative, but let us feel it. Let us cry. Stop telling us not to stress. Just hug us and tell us “it’s ok”. To be frustrated. To be hurt. To feel disappointed. I mean granted, we‘ll get over it, but in that moment we want to know it’s ok to not feel ok. Stop making us feel like we can’t cry about this shit otherwise we will lose our damn minds.
Currently, I am on my journee to becoming a better me both mentally and physically. I’ve gone the holistic route and am praying that I can heal myself. It’s absolutely been done and so far I can say I didn’t need pills to start my period when doctors prescribed me pills. I have a support system which I am thankful for, but some days are harder than others.
If anyone is experiencing PCOS symptoms, feel free to email me and I’d love to share some things that have helped me along the way. There will be more info about PCOS as I am dealing with this. Now because I have PCOS doesn’t mean I’ll never be pregnant, but I’m just sharing my frustration during my time.
Remember life is a Journee so let’s make it one to remember. I love you Journee bees 🐝