I Took A Break Because…

I needed some time away from social media. I was losing my motivation to create content for YouTube or reels for Instagram. I didn’t care to write a post on Facebook. Hell, I didn’t even care to sell lashes. All motivation was leaving my body and because of this, I just didn’t care anymore.

I needed some time away from work. I’m stressed out! I hate to admit it but I am truly stressed out. The disrespect I face and the lack of defense for me is just too much to handle sometimes. I mean I work under a prejudice, manipulative person and no one seems to recognize it. It drives me crazy and I know I’m not crazy. He gets away with his behavior and me well I’m just disposable. I don’t want to work for anyone other than myself. I’m sure about it.

I needed time away from my thoughts. My mind was heavy and I found myself wailing in the car until the pressure I felt from my chest and mind would just dissolve. Oh the things I think and feel is just aching. I’m questioning my position in life, my place in work, my role in my marriage, and the one that hurts the most, my time to become a mother. Y’all I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be a mother. And before you tell me not to think like that, take a deeper look into my heart. We’ve been trying for almost 4 years and nothing. My weight is up and up and down and up and down and up again. My body hurts because I’m depressed and depression leads to lack of motivation and lack of motivation results in my weight being exactly what it is.. another weight to carry each day.

I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Just like I knew it would be and I cried harder than I’ve ever cried before. “It’s not fair” is all I could say to God. It feels like God is rubbing it in my face and although I don’t want to feel that way, oh trust me I do. I mean I pray and I am very direct with my prayers, I do my best to live my best and yet there is always some obstacle. What more am I suppose to do? How many more baby showers am I suppose to go to? How many more people am I to congratulate on becoming parents? WHEN WILL IT BE OUR TURN?

Eric won’t let me cry about it anymore. I feel it’s because he doesn’t want to cry with me and maybe it’s easier for him not to think about it in that moment. So, I honestly don’t have anyone to call on or talk to about it. My chest feels so tight writing this. I’ve been to doctors and they’ve all been no help. I’ve been looking for insurance that can cover me and they don’t. I'm tired of pills. I'm tired of seeing negative and feeling negative. Especially when all I would like to do is have my family. My husband, my children, my home, my peace.

I’ll be fine though. Just know it gets real!!